one year post op today

So its one year today.
I don't know how I'm meant to feel about that, am i meant to feel anything?
I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not ready to celebrate, I'm not happy, i;m not anything maybe i am just numb to it.
I never really thought this day would come. I don't want to really remember this day last year it was the hardest day of my life. I hope to never ever have to pass my child to some one else and wonder if I will see them again, wonder what they will look like, will they recognise me, will his brain be OK, will it be the same Denver that we gave them that comes out. What will happen.
It was the scariest feeling I have ever had.
What do you do on that day the endless hours that you know your child is fighting for their life. 
How do you go on.
But then I go he made it, he's here, he's OK. Is he different? Yes. I stopped in my tracks when I first saw him after the surgery, he was different, they had changed him, but then he smiled at me and my heart melted and I knew it was him. He is scarred emotionally, physically, mentally and forever. And so is the rest of the family.
I wish it was the end of the cranio journey after that day but it wasn't. It was the end of one part but the beginning of another, but yet not the middle.
We now face seeing if his brain recovers, if he will be OK, if he will need more surgery, if, if, if.
Denver is so wonderful, he warms my heart and adds so much to our family and our lives, he is precious. He is such a trooper. He is so full of love, he is love.
I don't want to remember that day last year, I just want to be able to go to his room tuck him in and give him a kiss and know that all is well in this very moment.
It doesn't matter what will come cause it will come no matter what, but right now I get to breathe him in and I get to kiss him good night and leave him exactly where he is, today i don't have to hand him over to anyone, he is mine all mine.

nearly one year post op

I have been having a really hard week. I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. Why was I down? Why was I sulky? Why was I extra stressed? Why was I overly emotional? What was going on with me?
Then I got it, we are coming up to one year post op for Deni's skull reconstruction. And this Friday we have an appointment with the surgeon and his neuropsychologist. Big day coming up. I thought I would feel relief and joy at having made it to one year post op, but I don't, tonight i feel despair and like the hardest part is still to come. I thought surgery would be the hardest part but today I am thinking that the after marth for me is proving to be so much harder. Because Deni was so much older at diagnoses and then surgery he has a different set of problems to the younger babies, his brain was effected, his learning is effected, his emotional well being is effected, he remembers and is aware of what is happening.
Denver is aware that his teacher helps him out at school more than the other kids, he is aware that every head ache is cause for concern, he is aware and afraid to damage his head, he is aware that he is different. He has been having quite a few headaches the past six weeks and he and I know that it is something we have to talk to his dr about. I hate not knowing, what  his future will hold. How his brain will go. If he will continue to develop and be able to learn new things. I just hate not knowing will he be ok or not. He is sleeping next to me tonight for he knows that in 2 sleeps we go back to the children's, he has his own anxiety about it and I am positive he can feel mine. Today his teacher sent home his evaluation form that the neuropsychologist sent for her to fill out. I sat reading it with tears streaming down my face not because the information was new or surprising I think it was simply because it was there in black and white in front of me, I couldn't deny what i knew and now some one saw and knew it to, its not just me but his teacher sees it too. We both see his struggle. I am low and I don't want to be. I feel so exhausted. It is hard as people think he is 'cured' or it is all over or that the hardest part has been done, but for me that's not the case, I see an uncertain future in front of me as the mum of Denver and an even more uncertain future for Denver. I hate it when people say its OK that's just normal five year old stuff or he will grow out of it. Don't brush his troubles aside because for us they are real too real.
So Denver will continue to sleep in my bed between his mum and dad, his safe spot until he feels confident to go back to his bed and on Friday I will get up smile and get Denver ready and talk to him about the appointments but also about the fun things we will do as well. I am Denver's mum and I am proud of that.