one year post op today

So its one year today.
I don't know how I'm meant to feel about that, am i meant to feel anything?
I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not ready to celebrate, I'm not happy, i;m not anything maybe i am just numb to it.
I never really thought this day would come. I don't want to really remember this day last year it was the hardest day of my life. I hope to never ever have to pass my child to some one else and wonder if I will see them again, wonder what they will look like, will they recognise me, will his brain be OK, will it be the same Denver that we gave them that comes out. What will happen.
It was the scariest feeling I have ever had.
What do you do on that day the endless hours that you know your child is fighting for their life. 
How do you go on.
But then I go he made it, he's here, he's OK. Is he different? Yes. I stopped in my tracks when I first saw him after the surgery, he was different, they had changed him, but then he smiled at me and my heart melted and I knew it was him. He is scarred emotionally, physically, mentally and forever. And so is the rest of the family.
I wish it was the end of the cranio journey after that day but it wasn't. It was the end of one part but the beginning of another, but yet not the middle.
We now face seeing if his brain recovers, if he will be OK, if he will need more surgery, if, if, if.
Denver is so wonderful, he warms my heart and adds so much to our family and our lives, he is precious. He is such a trooper. He is so full of love, he is love.
I don't want to remember that day last year, I just want to be able to go to his room tuck him in and give him a kiss and know that all is well in this very moment.
It doesn't matter what will come cause it will come no matter what, but right now I get to breathe him in and I get to kiss him good night and leave him exactly where he is, today i don't have to hand him over to anyone, he is mine all mine.