It's amazing the power that a picture can have. Picking Denver up from kinder on Tuesday and I spotted their place mats that they have with a picture of them on it and their name on the other side. On top of the pile was one that looked like Denver. I picked it up and just held it in my hands and starred at it. It looked like Denver but it didn't as well. I just kind of starred at it in disbelief. Was that really Denver. I even turned the place mat over to make sure that it was Denver that it was his and his name was on the back. I looked up at Denver and then back at the picture, it felt unreal. He looks so different now. I then had to put the picture down as I am sure I looked odd (more than normal).
On driving home I got mad how could they not see, how could the Dr's not see what I saw. I hated that I was getting made about this again. But the feeling of not being heard and believed were all coming back up to the surface. But then I just got sad. Sad at the difference that there is in the way he looks. I hate to say it but I still like the old Denver more. That Denver was the love of my life for 4 years and now he looks different and I love the new Denver, but their is a but. If I could have the Denver that looks like that back without the cranio and the suffering I would. It hurts deep inside that he looks so different to me and I am amazed that I still feel so deeply about it still. It is hard as this journey is not over. His head is still changing after the op and there might be more surgery down the road we don't know yet. Cranio has changed Denver not only on the outside but on the inside as well, Denver often has daily struggles with something to do with cranio and all the medical stuff. We are constantly together and trying to quietly reassure each other. I think we are both exhausted.
Denver gives me the most incredible hugs with his tiny little arms and if I close my eyes and melt into the hug I can forget the cranio for that moment and that is when I am truly happy and at peace.
On driving home I got mad how could they not see, how could the Dr's not see what I saw. I hated that I was getting made about this again. But the feeling of not being heard and believed were all coming back up to the surface. But then I just got sad. Sad at the difference that there is in the way he looks. I hate to say it but I still like the old Denver more. That Denver was the love of my life for 4 years and now he looks different and I love the new Denver, but their is a but. If I could have the Denver that looks like that back without the cranio and the suffering I would. It hurts deep inside that he looks so different to me and I am amazed that I still feel so deeply about it still. It is hard as this journey is not over. His head is still changing after the op and there might be more surgery down the road we don't know yet. Cranio has changed Denver not only on the outside but on the inside as well, Denver often has daily struggles with something to do with cranio and all the medical stuff. We are constantly together and trying to quietly reassure each other. I think we are both exhausted.
Denver gives me the most incredible hugs with his tiny little arms and if I close my eyes and melt into the hug I can forget the cranio for that moment and that is when I am truly happy and at peace.
The difference (inside and out) between the old and new Denver must be so hard to come to terms with... again Angy I'm in awe of you and how you're dealing with such a HUGE emotional journey. Keep processing - and I'll keep reading! Sending lots of love and care your way xxx Deb
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