i am ...........

We are three weeks post op and day two at home and i am exhausted beyond belief. i don't know if i have ever felt this tired before it feels different this tired. my body is like lead and my brain is in shut down. Deni is doing so well i feel bad about how shit i now feel any one would think that i had the surgery not him. i thought i was doing really well but i think it all hit me the minute i walked in the door. Deni is having separation issues with me, we have been together everyday for three weeks and he has had this huge thing happen to him, i must say i also worry about being away from him. the thought of some thing happening and me not being there is so so scary. it's not that i don't trust others it's all about me and my insecurities. what if he needs me and I'm not there, we have done it all together him and i, held hands through it all. as i write this he is next to me sleeping as he can't go to sleep on his own cause it's to lonely without me on his own. i love my son, he is perfect. but this is so fucking hard. some one said to me the other day at least that's over now it's all done, but you know what it's not I already have appointments for all the follow ups and tests that we have to do next month i thought i might get a little break and find my real life again but it's still at the hospital for now. i want a break but there isn't one not for me and not for Denver. people don't realise that this will continue for the next 12 years we will be doing tests upon tests and hoping that it's all OK. we hope and pray that there will be no more surgeries but in my soul i don't believe for one minute that there won't be more, there is too much stacked u against him medically. the thought of doing more appointments and more tests is pushing me to the edge. i arranged heaps of support for when we were in melb but i am realising now that i need it now that we are home, i am just exhausted and the thought of going back to running a house and doing all those normal things, what the fuck for.  i need sleep and a break, but I'm already on the count down to getting the earlier results of this op. will he hate me for this when he is older, will he lose trust in the medical system, will he become numb to it all. will his children be affected, will i be doing this till i die. i am so exhausted how much longer does this have to go on and no it's not over not by a long shot.