he's starting to come back.........

The last few days have been hard to say the least. I can't write about the day of surgery yet I am still processing the day and all that happened but i will say that the surgeons are very happy and it went better than they thought it would.

. I was worried, so worried he survived the surgery, but was it still Deni in there. I was not prepared for the drastic change in Deni appearance, i was told it won't be that bad, that he would still look relative the same, to others he might have but to me he looked so different it was scary. When i walked into recovery from the other side of the room i could see change. His eyes were different, his face was wider he had a look i had never seen before. I know he was in bandages and all that but i had seen that before. to me he was different and the sparkle was gone. I thought that's OK i will get used the different shape but it is taking me longer than i ever thought it would. Deni had always had these amazing eyes and the way he  looked at me was amazing but that was gone. i know you are all thinking the boy just had surgery give him a break, but i really thought he was not there. His voice changed due to having a tube for so long, his eyes were blank, he was covered in bandages, he was connected to so many things i couldn't hug  him till the next day. I was searching for him a glimpse of him, i was not prepared for this. he was there in body but where was my Deni. for a while i wanted to rewind, but i know how unpractical that thought  was. it was hard not to see the Denver i knew and loved for the past four and a half years. this was not the face i saw when i lifted him up after giving birth, this was not the eyes that gazed up at me for all those years of breastfeeding, he couldn't smile his cheeky smile at me we couldn't hug. i know it may seem as though i am over reacting but let me just say i am forever grate full for this operation to save my son, i was just not prepared for the loss of that familiar face for that loving look not to be there. Some people might think he doesn't look to different but if you think of your own kids that you have spent hours looking at and loving you would notice any change to. They took my sons head off piece by piece and then put it back together to form a DIFFERENT shape and a DIFFERENT head. They then pulled my sons face back over the new and different bones that were now his. To me he was not there, the same way that i knew him. How do you say that out loud and who do you say it too, who won't shot you down and say you are silly and it's still him. I was scared to not recognise my own son worried i would stop loving him. today he is slowly starting to come back, he is slowly seeping through. He has started joking with me, asking for our cuddles and being him self. It was when i was giving him a bath tonight that i thought there he is he's back. And it was love.