still pressing on..

i am still here and still exhausted, i am waiting for it to get better but it's not. i am sleeping believe it or not i am sleeping really well, but i am still waking up exhausted beyond belief, just having a shower is enough to do it and i am out for the count. i didn't think that it would be this hard being back at home. i am not coping. i am full of worry, stress, anger, sadness, loss, exhaustion, disbelief and the list goes on. i am wondering if i am the only one to feel like this once the first cranio volt operation is done, shouldn't i be jumping for joy, embracing the new and feeling relieved but i just feel like that was only the beginning of this long journey. i know that my journey isn't as bad as some and has better out comes than alot of other parents struggling with their children's life threatening illness and conditions, but i can't seem to pull myself out of the whole. I am finding it all really overwhelming and exhausting. i am over whelmed by what we have all been through, what we will continue to go through and every day life feels like too much and is so hard and overwhelming. i feel as though i am sinking. i have a real grief and yearning for life as it was before cranio took over. a life care free, appointment free, scar free, helmet free. i don't want to live and breathe this anymore. at what points do other parents of cranio kids feel OK with it all, i feel as though i am a big suck and need to suck it up. i found myself running away and hiding from people in the supermarket today i don't want to fake smile anymore and say yep it's all fine. you know what Deni is doing really well it's his mum that is struggling. i have decided to go away for the weekend husband and kid free, yep i feel bad leaving them at Easter going some where i didn't think i would go but i need to recharge, i need a break otherwise i will break.  is it just me or are there other cranio mums that struggle so hard. i hope that i am not alone in feeling like this, it is so hard.