today is....................

today is shit, i am not enjoying today at all. i want to go home,i want my kids, i want to talk to my people, i want to have a bath, i want to not have to use a key to get into my room, i want my bed, my stuff, my garden, my animals, i want to look out my kitchen window and see trees and grass, to go to our local store and get my mail,i want to see for myself how my kids are not have to ask others, i want their cuddles but i really want Deni's scar to disappear.
there is a constant reminder on my son that shows me what we have been through and what we will continue to go through. i am done today i am done. why did this happen? I am tired. who ever thought that we would have to factor in time for my four year old to sit still next to me so he can take his helmet off and scratch his head.WTF. he has a scar running from one ear to the other. it will never completely go away. it will be there for ever. my son looks different and i don't like that, he has changed. i want the old Deni back but with the right skull not the stupid one not the one that causes all these problems. i thought he was perfect when i gave birth to him and to find out he's not, that hurts, it hurts so much.
People think and ask so he's fixed that's it now that the operation is done. and it hurts to say no, we don't know we have to have more tests until he stops growing. we don't know if this operation has worked until we run more tests to compare to before the operation. we still don't know. he's still not perfect in the eyes of the medical world and he will never be for them. he was perfect for me and i want to feel that he is still perfect but i can't yet it is still to raw. i clean his stitches every night and it sucks.
i long to hold a new born baby full of promise and perfect. a new born is magic on earth, i am missing magic at the moment. i long to turn back the clock and hold Denver close look into his eyes as he has a feed, breathe in his smell love him before anyone else touched and judged him.  i want life without appointments, without people starring at my son, i want what i can't have and that hurts.