It was four weeks post op yesterday. I have been away for four days without Deni or my other kids or hubby and it was wonderful. i went some where where only a few people knew what has happened in my family in the last year and it was wonderful to get out of this world and into that one, it felt like what life did before cranio. it was a relief, like a burden had been lifted for those few days. No one was looking at me like a mum suffering inside, no one knew to ask how's Denver, or whats cranio, i got to have conversations about other things and to think and feel other things. I got to allow myself to be me, just me, not the mum of five and not the mum of the little boy with the funny head and now wearing the helmet. it was so refreshing. don't get me wrong i thought about my kids and Denver often, but it felt like the burden had been lifted for that time, i knew Deni was in good hands even though they weren't mine. it was on the last day that it started to feel heavy again on the inside, it was a feeling i didn't miss. I didn't relaise that alot of the pain and healing would happen after the operation after we walked out of the hospital, after we were home. I thought the hardest part would be the surgery but it's the after marth that is proving hardest. The light at the end of the tunnel feels just as far away as it did before the surgery it doesn't feel any closer.We have had the surgery and while the dr's are happy with how the surgery went we don't know if it did what it was meant to do if it has been a success, if we have to do this again. I thought the wait would be over but it is really just taking off and it's hard work. Denver for the first time refused to talk to some one when they asked him about his surgery, this is a trusted known person to denver and he put his hands over his face and closed his eyes and refused to talk until the subject was changed, this is the first time he has reacted like this and it is worring. But we can just takeit step by step. When i got home and walked in the door of my home excited to see my family but also trying so hard to resist the urge to push everyone aside scope Denver up and examine his head. but i held back and gave the impression that yep I'm fine i trust you i don't need to examine him head to toe. i got my chance when i went off to have a shower and Denver came with me with me being away without him he was not leaving my side. so in the shower without his helmet on. his scar looks good, little red in some places but overall good. but his head is different again, I'm not sure why maybe the swelling has gone down a bit or some thing but there is now a dip where there wasn't one before and the ridge at the back is more prominent and just a few other changes. so i am thinking well hoping that it's cause swelling has gone down. But i still don't like his new head. I feel terrible thinking that but i don't it's different to me in so many ways. it is a horrible feeling rubbing your sons head for affection and then realising that the bumps you are feeling is screws that are sticking out of your sons skull and they are feeling more prominent and huge and hard. it just sucks. i love Deni but i hate his new head. it holds alot of pain for me, he has a scar on his head and i have a scar on my heart. it is getting better but there are moments like today in the supermarket that it all gets to much and the tears threaten to flow and it's just me walking around the supermarket trying to buy stuff for dinner and decide what to do for dinner this week but at that moment it's all too much. it's funny when things decide to rear their heads. I feel that soem people are judging me for the way i feel and the way i react to things and some of the things i am choosing to do or not do, but unless you have been where i have been and where i am now be gentle with me and just think about how you would feel if the screws were in your kids skull and that your child was the one that now looks different and your child is the one who is being stared at when your out and about in public trying to do the normal everyday things. Denver is meant to be going back to kindergaren tomorrow he's not sure if he wants to and i am scared for him and for me. I will be thinking of him and hoping thst he is ok, not jumping off any thing, or trying to take his helmet off to show peole and that the other kids are kind and just accept it in their stride. I am hopefull that they will be kind to him and to me tomorrow, it is another step forward for us and even if we are a little shaky we are full of hope and what else is there?
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