Today i did something for my five year old son that i never thought i  would find myself doing. Today we went to the local Dr's to get a mental health plan, so that he can go to a psychologist to help him deal with all that has happened this year and the trauma that he has experienced with all his surgeries, appointments, tests, pain and he's experiences in the medical world and that he often has to leave his five year old world and enter one that no child should have too.  He is not doing great since his last surgery, he looks great to every one else, but it is the way he is at home, with me and some things he says, i know that he is not right inside and we need to get any help we can so that he can get on with life and being five.  We had to cut his appointment on Friday short, he was meant to be having his neuro-psychologist testing, he had it done before surgery and they wanted to do it again at 6 months post op to see if there had been any change. He just couldn't sit still, he didn't want to be there at the hospital, he didn't want to answer questions, he was done and with good reason to it was our second day in a row there and he had had enough.  The Dr called it off after 30 Min's and spoke to me about why. She said he was just not doing well within himself, that he was struggling with having to be there. She then spoke about how he was so jittery and that he was constantly moving around and couldn't concerate and do the test today. She felt that all the infections he had had and all the antibiotics that he had been on in the last six months and the fact that he had emergency surgery the week before were effecting him. She also spoke about his inability to concentrate and focus his lack of attention a few sentences that she said reminded me of ADD and stuff like that, she is concerned. So we will reschedule for Dec-Jan and hope that it has all settled down by then and that he would have started his counselling and start calming down and doing better within himself.

I feeling that my other child are missing out. They are missing out on me, i don't feel like i can be there 100 % for them as I often feel so spent after dealing with Denver and all that is happening with him, just trying to remember all his appointments can be exhausting. Denver takes up alot of my time and energy. He doesn't deal well with sharing me and me giving attention to the other kids, he has always, always been a huge mummies boy but he is getting worse. He always wants to sit on me, be with me, be touching me, being the centre of my attention, he is getting more and more full on. His Dr's say that this is part of him trying to deal with the trauma that he has suffered and this is one way that it comes out. He is happy to go to kinder but is very sad when i pick him up, it's like he can only cope with being away but only to a certain point. I get a break when he gets to play with his cousins, I think he feels safe and secure when he is with them and that no harm will come to him and that they won't ask him any questions. He has also been really tired again since the surgery, its like ground hog day, like back the way it was before. So it is one day at a time some days i take it by hours or minutes.

I am sick of this subject, sick of feeling like i am just managing to make it through the day crawling to get to the finish line. I know that you are probably so sick about reading about it as well, I want it to leave my brain. I didn't realise that this grieving process for me would take s long, i keep getting thrown curb balls t deal with and i feel i cant keep dodging them. I gave birth to a perfect healthy baby boy 5 years ago and i long to feel the peace i had then when he was in my arms, not the sorrow i feel now.